Monday, March 21, 2011

Things I have Learned Since Becoming a Dad

Whoa - Another Dan Post!

I have learned many things since July when Grayson came into my life.  I never knew that there were so many more things to learn in life.  Here I have compiled a list of some of my favorite things that my son has helped to teach me that I never expected to know.

About Toys....
-It's only fun if you push things without wheels and tip things that have wheels.
-If you can touch it, then you can play with it, and so it has become a toy.  This theory works for anything you can touch.
-If there are no toys available (nothing within reach) than you can entertain yourself for hours (seriously) by either screaming loudly or blowing raspberries.  Raspberries are more fun because they are messier.

About Food...
-If you can touch it, then it can go into your mouth, and so it has potentially become food.  Yes this is very similar to the same theory of toys.
-The knuckles of adult humans appear to be extremely delicious, but never seem to live up to expectations.
-Peas will make babies shudder.
-Any string that you can find (on the ground, on a sweater, on a hoodie, etc.) are amazing pallet cleansers at all times during the day.  They are highly desired objects and should be sought after at all costs.

About Drool...
-Babies can drool up to 5 gallons a day, 10 gallons if they are teething.
-Drool does not clean carpets, but will actually make them feel crusty.
-Adults will only find hidden drool marks on their clothes during the day, usually before going into important meetings.  Please note: These drool marks may inexplicably appear on clothes that have just been cleaned and have not been within 50 yards of a baby.
-It is very good manners to share your drool by transferring it from your mouth to your parent's mouth via hand.  This should only be done when parents are not paying attention as it gets the best reaction.
-There are no words to describe the taste of baby drool.

About things that Hurt...
-A head-but from a baby being held in your arms is more powerful than a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
-Face plants on hardwood floors are very painful (I already knew this), however, a face plant on carpet is hilarious.

About Facial Expressions...
-Jutting out your lower lip really will get you whatever you want.
-You are never to young to look at someone (usually your parents) like they are the stupidest person in the world.

About Gross Things...
-Vomit will stain but poop will not.
-It is totally possible to pee on your own face while lying down.
-The amount of wiggling during a diaper change increases drastically the messier the diaper is.

About Scary Things...
-Running water is terrifying.
-A parent's sneeze is cause for alarm.
-Waking up in a car seat in the living room is possibly the most terrifying thing in life.

About Sleeping...
-Sleeping is very easy to do while upright (in a backpack, carrier, jumperoo, held etc.).
-Sleeping is very hard in your own crib.

About things that are Funny...
-A parent's wide open mouth is funny.
-A parent's hair is hysterical.
-Getting dressed can be funny.
-Sometimes just sitting on the floor is funny.

About Smiling...
-No matter how happy you were, as soon as you see a camera you should immediately stop smiling and look as grumpy as possible.  This makes your parents do some really weird and funny things, but no matter what they do, you should hold in your smiles as much as possible, otherwise the show will stop. The only reason you should be caught smiling on a camera is if you were tricked,
-The most important thing I learned: There is no better feeling than watching your child smile at you.  It means that for that one moment in life you have done everything absolutely perfect, and it made one person in the world the happiest they have ever been.

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