Sunday, November 18, 2012

One for the boys: Bridget's Birth Story told by Dad

One For the Boys: What to Expect During Labor and Delivery (Based on Personal Experience)

Here is a step by step description of what to expect during labor and delivery based on personal experience on Friday November 16, 2012. I know it reads like cuts from a comedy movie depiction of labor, but I assure you it is 100% true.

 • 1 week after her due date, at 4:00 AM your wife will wake you up because she is having contractions. Your first thoughts will be…”Of course, after the one night in months that I chose not to go to bed until 2:00 AM. WTF.”

• You will start timing contractions with her. She will immediately complain that they are really really painful. She will tell you to call the doctor. You, having read up on your stuff ahead of time, will calmly explain that the contractions are still not really on a pattern and you should hold off on the phone call. She will not so calmly scream in your ear to call the effing doctor. You will call the effing doctor.

• While you wait for the doctor to call back she will be going to the bathroom…a lot.

• The doctor will call, you will hand the phone to your wife. She will fall on the floor in pain during a contraction while on the phone. The doctor will say it’s probably best if you come to the hospital.

 • You call the grand parents to watch your sleeping toddler. While you wait you will have arguments with your wife about why she can’t pack 90% of the household in her labor bag that should have been packed weeks ago. Explaining that all you had to do was grab your bag off the ground next to the bed and throw it in the car because it was packed 2 months ago, and by the way you aren’t even the pregnant one, is not a good idea. Grandparents arrive, wife falls on the floor in pain a few more times, get in the car and go.

 • Your wife will not buckle herself into the car seat, in fact she will not sit forward in the seat, she will lean over the back. She will yell loudly during contractions. Contractions apparently never end as yelling never ends. Profanity that will make a sailor blush is used liberally. Did I mention it was done loudly.

• You will wonder why your wife chose a hospital 45 minutes from home when there is a perfectly good one 15 minutes from home. It is not suggested to ask her this question at this time.

 • Do not try to explain that getting pulled over will take longer than driving 90 MPH to the hospital, she will not understand. Explaining it’s not so hard a concept is also not suggested. Please refer to the previous note as it will cross your mind to discuss it again.

 • Profanity use in the car will progress to the point that you expect to find a restraining order from the catholic church in your mailbox later explaining you are not allowed within 500 yards of any of their parishioners.

 • You will get to the hospital, you will calmly lead your wife inside, up to the labor unit reception desk. While checking in your wife will fall on all fours in pain. A mental image will spring to your mind of what this must look like to a normal person getting off the elevator, a horribly pregnant short stack of a girl on all fours in a hospital hallway. Try to keep the smile at this image inside because the receptionist nurses will look at you like you are the scum of the universe. You will try extra hard to look extra concerned, which is what you are really feeling, but it will be too late, damage done. Trust me, in the end it’s ok. These things are funny, just not until later. Thank the higher powers your wife did not see.

 • They will send her back for initial evaluations while you finish checking in for her. The nurse asking you questions will be the same one that saw you smile earlier. She will look like she would rather be stabbing you than asking you questions. Luckily you are saved because your wife is wheeled by on a hospital bed, the midwife has grabbed you by the shirt and explained while you are running to keep up that your wife is having a baby. You start to explain, that you already knew that and that was why you were there in the first place, but she cuts you off and explains that she meant your wife is having the baby now, like immediately, like not in a few hours, like now now.

• You wife gets in the birthing room and continues to scream obscenities mixed with just flat out screaming. There is no humor to be found in this situation. Ok a little, but you have learned your lesson previously.

• Your wife will ask the midwife for an epidural, the midwife will explain that she can’t have one because by the time it gets there and gets installed the baby will be born. Your wife will not hear this because she is screaming.

 • She will tell you to hold her hands, and then scream at you to stop touching her. You will wonder why you didn’t take your wedding ring off because your fingers will be breaking.

• Your wife will continue to yell at everyone to stop touching her. No one will be touching her when she says this. • You will wonder why your labor bag did not include ear plugs.

• The doctor will ask for your wife to push. She will say she can’t, but this will seam interesting to you because the doctor is already telling her what a great job she is doing pushing.

• A fairy princess will slide down a colorful rainbow into the land of unicorns. *****NOTE***** The previous sentence has been changed by my editors to be more appropriate for the common reader. The original text included the words “fluids” and “trajectories”.

 • The doctor will say she can see the head. She asks if you would like to see. You try to explain that you would rather not because you are still trying to “un-see” portions of your son’s birth and have failed after 2 years. You realize no one is listening to you.

 • Your wife will say she can’t push the baby out. You will again think this is interesting because there is currently a small head out side of her lower regions. You will curse yourself for looking. One more think you will not be able to “un-see”.

• Your baby will be born 15 seconds later, it will have been less than an hour since you pulled into the parking lot.

• Your baby will be amazing.

• Later when holding your daughter you will try to explain to her that if her mother hadn’t made you call the effing doctor when you are being logical earlier in the morning she probably would have been born in the car. Your daughter will give you a reactionary smile and then look at you like she doesn’t care. You won’t really care either.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

39 weeks

39 weeks and I'm really done with being pregnant. I have 5 days until my due date and I'm starting to get sad that the day is going to come and go...and we'll be waiting here for our little girl.

I had a pretty good 39 week check-up Friday. I'm 2-3cm dilated, 80% effaced, and the baby is WAY low. My midwife had a hard time checking me because she was so low. It was the first time I've ever bled from a cervical check (I'm assuming it was from the cervical check...)

Because my cervix is favorable, if an induction is needed, this particular midwife said she had no issues with breaking my water to induce labor as opposed to starting me on any pitocin. She DID mention that she couldn't speak for all of the midwives in the practice, but that Bridget was so low, there are no worries of a prolapsed cord or even taking very long once my water was broke. 

Obviously this is just talk right now. We won't be entertaining that idea until 41 weeks at this point. I'm starting to get frustrated because I obviously want her to come on her own...but at the same time we have family coming in for delivering her at 41 weeks is giving us a couple days on our own as a family, and that's barring no issues after delivery. (we hope she's super healthy!)

I'm totally being whiny right now and I have no reason to. I feel awful for even writing this all out. I've had a really wonderful pregnancy this time around, but had a mini breakdown today (my first at 39 weeks, 2 Days!) and it's so trivial. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for going 41 weeks. But it's really REALLY hard.

Ok. Enough whining.

The obligitory Dan and Grayson picture!

  • How far along?  39 weeks
    • Total weight gain:  Still hanging out at 21lbs
    • Maternity clothes? Yep, I've been wearing tops. STILL haven't bought maternity pants yet....I have a pair of pre-preg skinny jeans that fit and leggings have been my BFF.
    • Stretch marks? still none
    • Sleep: MEH.
    • Best moment this week: Hearing that I had made some progress
    • Miss Anything? Regular clothes!!!!! And a DRINK. I really need one.
    • Movement: a lot of pressure down low. Her movement has slowed down a bit it seems
    • Food cravings: I'm seriously dying for a drink. SO so bad.
    • Food aversions: nothing really
    • Gender: Girl:)
    • Labor Signs: I had contractions for 5 hours friday afternoon and 5 hours Saturday afternoon. Some were painful enough for me to breath through and got me thinking I needed to call the midwife. We were very lucky to have friends come over and cook us dinner which helped me take my mind of the contractions...and they ended up going away. This is way different then when I was pregnant with Grayson. I had contractions for maybe an hour or so a couple nights before he was born, but that was it. I've been dealing with HOURS of contractions with this little girl for the past couple of weeks. Each time they start up I get a little excited only to be shot down. I really hope that my water breaks like it did with Grayson, because I feel like I'm not going to know if I'm truly in labor at this point!
    • Symptoms: See above.
    • Belly Button in or out? Out.
    • Wedding rings on or off? On.
    • Looking forward to: Um. Birthing this baby girl!
    • Feelings- my oh so cool attitude has worn off and I'm starting to get that "pregnant girl" emotional. Luckily for Dan, I made it to 39 weeks before it happened. So hopefully he doesn't have to deal with it for very long:)