Miscarriage

Sucks.


really really sucks. 


I am finally getting over the initial pain and shock of going through a miscarriage. I'm sad, angry, defeated, hurt, guilty..I keep thinking "what did I do wrong?" 


We found out we were pregnant about 2 weeks ago - Dan and I were OVERJOYED. Thrilled. I was so SO excited that Grayson would have a sibling a little over two years younger then him. We would have started trying for a second child right after G turned one, but I was in the middle of looking for a new job and didn't want getting pregnant to be a reason to be turned down for a position. 


Everything seemed to be going well until last Thursday. I started having immense cramps in the morning and decided, just for the heck of it, to pee on another HPT. I had like 50 internet cheapies...why not? Well, the line came up but it was SUPER faint. The lines that I had gotten the week before were dark...so I knew something was up. 


My OB had me come in and have bloodwork drawn to see where my HCG levels were. They told me not to get worried yet, that my urine could just be super diluted from drinking a lot of water, ect. I was supposed to get my results friday morning. 


Friday morning I wait. and wait. and wait. 


It's 12:00pm and Dan has called me twice by now to see if they've called me back with results. I call, leave a message hoping someone will finally call me back. 
At around 3:00pm I get a call from the nurse telling me that the doctor is looking at the results and will hopefully get to me before the end of the day. 


No call before the end of the day.


By this time, I'm a little resigned to the fact that the pregnancy is probably not viable. I just didn't feel pregnant. 


Saturday came around and we had a big birthday party to attend. One of my best girlfriends' Laura turned 30, and had planned a night of dinner and tubing at Perfect North. Dan and I decided that it was not the best idea for me to be tubing with the situation that was going on..so I told Lar what was happening and we got to attend part of her bday celebration. I'm sad that I had to mentally miss out on a big event in her life - she had SO many people at her house for dinner beforehand and packed a full school bus to get to Perfect North! 


Sunday morning came around and I woke up to blood. 
My heart literally stopped. I felt like I was punched in the gut. 
I knew it was coming, but it was still terribly emotional. Every part of me wanted to believe that I was pregnant and that everything was going to be fine. 


I bled all Sunday with heavy cramping.


Monday morning rolls around and the doctor calls to tell me that I'm likely miscarrying (you think) and that I need to be off my feet until the bleeding stops or subsides (I was passing small clots and they were irritating where I was stitched from my episiotomy.) 


I've cried. A LOT since Sunday. We had already started making plans for our new little addition in the couple of weeks we knew. Both Dan and I believe that you create a life at conception. We heard Grayson's heartbeat at 6 weeks. 6 WEEKS. 


Ironically, today, the day I was supposed to have my first pre-natal appt, I had a "follow up" appt to the miscarriage. They took more blood to confirm that my HCG levels go down to 0. 


I know that having a miscarriage is very common and I'm thankful that it was so early. (I would have been 6 weeks 1 day, today) but it's still a tough pill to swallow.


I'm terrified of it happening again. 


We have a lot to look forward to this month - a bunch of playdates and our trip to Gatlinburg. Focusing on the positive and gearing all my energy to G is helping...