One For the Boys: What to Expect During Labor and Delivery (Based on Personal Experience)
Here is a step by step description of what to expect during labor and delivery based on personal experience on Friday November 16, 2012. I know it reads like cuts from a comedy movie depiction of labor, but I assure you it is 100% true.
• 1 week after her due date, at 4:00 AM your wife will wake you up because she is having contractions. Your first thoughts will be…”Of course, after the one night in months that I chose not to go to bed until 2:00 AM. WTF.”
• You will start timing contractions with her. She will immediately complain that they are really really painful. She will tell you to call the doctor. You, having read up on your stuff ahead of time, will calmly explain that the contractions are still not really on a pattern and you should hold off on the phone call. She will not so calmly scream in your ear to call the effing doctor. You will call the effing doctor.
• While you wait for the doctor to call back she will be going to the bathroom…a lot.
• The doctor will call, you will hand the phone to your wife. She will fall on the floor in pain during a contraction while on the phone. The doctor will say it’s probably best if you come to the hospital.
• You call the grand parents to watch your sleeping toddler. While you wait you will have arguments with your wife about why she can’t pack 90% of the household in her labor bag that should have been packed weeks ago. Explaining that all you had to do was grab your bag off the ground next to the bed and throw it in the car because it was packed 2 months ago, and by the way you aren’t even the pregnant one, is not a good idea. Grandparents arrive, wife falls on the floor in pain a few more times, get in the car and go.
• Your wife will not buckle herself into the car seat, in fact she will not sit forward in the seat, she will lean over the back. She will yell loudly during contractions. Contractions apparently never end as yelling never ends. Profanity that will make a sailor blush is used liberally. Did I mention it was done loudly.
• You will wonder why your wife chose a hospital 45 minutes from home when there is a perfectly good one 15 minutes from home. It is not suggested to ask her this question at this time.
• Do not try to explain that getting pulled over will take longer than driving 90 MPH to the hospital, she will not understand. Explaining it’s not so hard a concept is also not suggested. Please refer to the previous note as it will cross your mind to discuss it again.
• Profanity use in the car will progress to the point that you expect to find a restraining order from the catholic church in your mailbox later explaining you are not allowed within 500 yards of any of their parishioners.
• You will get to the hospital, you will calmly lead your wife inside, up to the labor unit reception desk. While checking in your wife will fall on all fours in pain. A mental image will spring to your mind of what this must look like to a normal person getting off the elevator, a horribly pregnant short stack of a girl on all fours in a hospital hallway. Try to keep the smile at this image inside because the receptionist nurses will look at you like you are the scum of the universe. You will try extra hard to look extra concerned, which is what you are really feeling, but it will be too late, damage done. Trust me, in the end it’s ok. These things are funny, just not until later. Thank the higher powers your wife did not see.
• They will send her back for initial evaluations while you finish checking in for her. The nurse asking you questions will be the same one that saw you smile earlier. She will look like she would rather be stabbing you than asking you questions. Luckily you are saved because your wife is wheeled by on a hospital bed, the midwife has grabbed you by the shirt and explained while you are running to keep up that your wife is having a baby. You start to explain, that you already knew that and that was why you were there in the first place, but she cuts you off and explains that she meant your wife is having the baby now, like immediately, like not in a few hours, like now now.
• You wife gets in the birthing room and continues to scream obscenities mixed with just flat out screaming. There is no humor to be found in this situation. Ok a little, but you have learned your lesson previously.
• Your wife will ask the midwife for an epidural, the midwife will explain that she can’t have one because by the time it gets there and gets installed the baby will be born. Your wife will not hear this because she is screaming.
• She will tell you to hold her hands, and then scream at you to stop touching her. You will wonder why you didn’t take your wedding ring off because your fingers will be breaking.
• Your wife will continue to yell at everyone to stop touching her. No one will be touching her when she says this.
• You will wonder why your labor bag did not include ear plugs.
• The doctor will ask for your wife to push. She will say she can’t, but this will seam interesting to you because the doctor is already telling her what a great job she is doing pushing.
• A fairy princess will slide down a colorful rainbow into the land of unicorns. *****NOTE***** The previous sentence has been changed by my editors to be more appropriate for the common reader. The original text included the words “fluids” and “trajectories”.
• The doctor will say she can see the head. She asks if you would like to see. You try to explain that you would rather not because you are still trying to “un-see” portions of your son’s birth and have failed after 2 years. You realize no one is listening to you.
• Your wife will say she can’t push the baby out. You will again think this is interesting because there is currently a small head out side of her lower regions. You will curse yourself for looking. One more think you will not be able to “un-see”.
• Your baby will be born 15 seconds later, it will have been less than an hour since you pulled into the parking lot.
• Your baby will be amazing.
• Later when holding your daughter you will try to explain to her that if her mother hadn’t made you call the effing doctor when you are being logical earlier in the morning she probably would have been born in the car. Your daughter will give you a reactionary smile and then look at you like she doesn’t care. You won’t really care either.
